ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
every college guy’s fridge
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this