I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
What a kind woman! 😂😂
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?