It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Sunday
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair