Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.