My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies