10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
The two types of wives
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy