CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine