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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”