Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it