*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
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The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Jurassic park gets weird
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.