My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.