My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”