scared to check what name she chose
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Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics