*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
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You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
(yawn)
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Current mood: Potato