Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
You Might Also Like
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…