The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u