Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall