[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
You Might Also Like
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?