Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
this is uni
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
12. I think about this all the damn time
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer