Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
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Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
fly smarter, not harder
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer