Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Flock of bats
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.