My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
#winning
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables