When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
my fav colour is also hitler
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.