A man of commitment.
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My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”