*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
#JohnTravolta
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!