me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes