“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”