What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I put the p in pants.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Worst bar ever.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Nomnomnomnom
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.