I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*