I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Autocorrect is my menesis
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.