The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.