Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
i’m sure it’s fine
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!