me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…