Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.