Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”