Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Monday
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}