If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?