I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Weirdly Wednesday.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.