I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…