Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.