80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.