Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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Finally a use for spoilers…
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
liiiiiiiiike
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.