Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER