I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“That’s what” – She
❤️❤️❤️
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”