Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
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[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: