There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
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Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Hello Twits.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you