When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
You Might Also Like
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Realize this:
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
This is hilarious….
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention