Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
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There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.