No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Wait for it
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered