Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
You Might Also Like
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice